visiting an old home

In my early 20’s I lived in St.Thomas USVI, I loved the lifestyle, the unhurried quality of life, the beauty, the warmth, and the people. A hodgepodge of transient ex pats like myself, friends of ours whose family were descendants of pirates-land rich farmers who spoke with a patios of English and French, people running from mistakes, and some devout souls who I could feel god’s love when I was with, artists who taught me how to paint and sell enamels and pottery…..

While there I bar-tended, painted and enjoyed every minute of it. Our home was on the highest peak of the Island, a view that I got to revisit when I recently returned. Never having the closure I wanted, never fully saying goodbye to this place, my heart still pulled me, and when a friend asked if I would accompany her as one of her divorce doulas, how could I say no. Both of us heading there for closure of sorts, supported by friends.

We ended up staying in a spot with an even more beautiful view than the one I used to live with. Belle View Horizon Villa is a gorgeous air b and b, that overlooks the harbor-we watched as cruise ships came and went, we watched the amazing sunsets nightly, and enjoyed the sweet little pool, comfy beds-and spent a lot of time on the huge balcony where we spent our evenings musing over life, clearing things up and a little card reading and wine. .

St. Thomas has had some trials of its own since I left the island, visited by a few hurricanes, not the least of which were Irma and Irene. Soon after I left the Island, and the birth of my daughter, 30 years ago, Hurricane Hugo hit and even though I had grown up mostly on the Jersey Shore, this was a big storm, many of my friends on the island had stories of hiding in the center of their homes, while things blew away, washed away…..but many also had stories of how people pulled together to help each other….it was tough. Irma and Maria though both hit with category 5 strength in September of 2017 and it was very hard on the island and the people there. I met a woman in CVS while waiting on line and she told me her tale, curfews, cisterns overflowing, but no pumps to pump the water, no food getting in since the shipping lanes were blocked by sunken ships and the airport was not running due to damage….it still is not as I remember. Roads are not good in spots, and on one road we tried I ripped the bumper off the rental car hitting a road that was on the GPS, but not on the planet-huge holes in that road, and not drive-able. I felt more cautious here now then I did when I lived there-part unfamiliarity and part feeling and seeing the still left destruction.

My new friend and co-divorce doula (aka Mcguyver after her repairs to the rental car with string she found-she did this more than once) and I took a day and went to see my old stomping grounds, my old home looks even better than when we lived there, Mountain top where I worked is newly built and is still serving those banana daiquiris with a view, although now it is one big store, t-shirts, jewelry, cigars-when I was there it was a little more local: little art studios, a little cafe (where I waitress-ed)-small vendors- more like a farm market instead of one giant spot to buy souvenirs. The view tho-just wow…. One of the radio towers that I remember walking by with my dogs daily is in a crazy circular heap, it almost looks like the frame for a roller coaster!

We also visited Magen’s Bay and enjoyed the blue waters and mangroves on the quiet end of the beach. We checked out Chicken and Bowling for some takeout after a long day. I definitely need to get there again, how can you beat a good meal and games to play? They are exactly what the name says! And some more games too-air hockey, darts….

St. Thomas shaped me, it taught my young self about the world, about yoga, and art, and being my unfettered self. It will always hold a dear place in my heart, and for a very long time I mourned not being there, which it turns out is why I needed to revisit it. It is my past, and I have come to terms with that. It is also a reminder of one of the times I felt truly connected to my soul purpose, for me that connection can ebb and flow, that connection to my spiritual path, but it is always there when we turn to it. When we accept where we are and settle in. St. Tomas also reminded me that as special as it is, there are so many places I have been lucky enough to visit that have so much to offer.

When I got home to my little river valley home, I took a yoga class, and while this was all stirring in my head, the amazing teacher ended the class with this:

For change to happen we have to accept ourselves-completely. That is the key to unlocking true transformation…he went on to quote Ram Daas “our whole transformation brings us to the point where we realize that in our own being we are enough”. This quote is appropriate in more ways for myself and my friend than that teacher could have imagined. We both found closure here and were reminded that when we love ourselves, care deeply and apologetically for ourselves. we find these transformations and that wholeness we all strive for.

Each place we visit and live helps shape these life long transformations, leaves an impression on us, and influences who are future selves are, and I like to think of St. Thomas as the place this all started as a young woman, it allowed me to explore and find the true me, and it will always have that place in my heart..

I am incredibly grateful for my friend who invited me back to my old home, and my new friend Mcguyver. As well as the places we visit, our friends shape us, and help us, and I am grateful always for the mutual support and love, warmth, and the people we share our lives with.